Ever wonder why even small feedback can trigger big reactions from your team? Even worse, it falls into the abyss of no behavior change or missed opportunities to help someone grow. When I look back on the well-intentioned feedback I received throughout my career, I now see where it all went wrong and how much more impactful it could be when we understand the neuroscience behind it.
I’ve seen and heard it all. “Be candid” was a big thing for a while. But science shows that backfires. Giving tough love via direct feedback can be motivating in the short term because it is painful but it’s the wrong kind of motivation if the goal is engagement. How we co-collaborate in the feedback process is critical and frankly quite simple.
If you have worked with me, you know that the FORCE Model is applicable across a number of areas in business and life. Feedback is no different.
In every interaction, people scan for:
✅ Fairness: Am I being treated justly?
✅ Ownership: Do I have control?
✅ Rank: Am I respected?
✅ Certainty: Do I know what’s happening next?
✅ Emotional Connection: Do they have my best interest?
These needs usually feel threatened during feedback sessions and the brain triggers a stress (or “away”) response. As leaders, small shifts in HOW we give feedback, set expectations, or open conversations can reduce threat and create “toward” responses—the key is collaboration while keeping these social domains in mind.
Another pitfall, is that we often assume others understand our message exactly as we intend—but they don’t. This is especially true with negative feedback.
Research shows that after performance reviews, managers believed they had clearly delivered constructive or critical feedback. But when employees were asked what they heard, they often interpreted it as more positive than it was. Well, that’s not a good thing either.
This gap—known as the Illusion of Transparency—highlights the need to “clarifying” (check for understanding). Don’t assume clarity; ask the recipient to reflect back what they heard and be part of the co-designing process going forward. It’s the only way to ensure the message truly lands. (More on that in Part 2)