When I look back on the well-intentioned feedback I received, I now see where it all went wrong and how much more impactful it could be.
When feedback really lands—when it actually drives change—it’s not just about the words we say. It’s about what happens in the brain. The core insight? Real behavior change happens when we’re able to hold two competing mental images in mind at the same time: who we are now, and who we could be.
This process is called mental contrasting. It’s cognitively demanding—you’re activating multiple brain regions as you imagine a detailed version of your current behavior (say, giving a long-winded presentation), while also picturing a simpler, sharper future version (one with just three clear points). When you can see both options side by side, your brain starts to evaluate: Which one’s better? What would I need to change to get there?
This visual, side-by-side comparison is the active ingredient that makes feedback stick. It’s not “improve your attention to detail” or “just be better” advice. It’s grounded in neuroscience and backed by research. And it’s a powerful prerequisite for meaningful behavior change.
Let’s take a look at an example of how we can help someone when giving feedback… namely me – Yes this was feedback I actually received.
Start with a Clear Snapshot of the Current Reality
Describe the person’s current behavior specifically and objectively. Avoid judgment or vague labels.
✅ “In your last presentation, you shared a lot of information—about ten data points—without highlighting the key takeaway.”
🚫 “You overwhelmed people with too much detail.”
Why this works: It helps the brain retrieve an accurate mental image of what happened, engaging memory and the temporal lobe.
- Paint a Vivid Picture of a Better Alternative
Now offer a clear, compelling alternative behavior, ideally with a tangible example.
✅ “Imagine if you focused on just three key messages, each supported by a short story or data point. What would that version of the presentation feel like for the audience—and for you?”
Why this works: You’re prompting visualization—activating the occipital lobe—and helping them simulate the desired future.
- Prompt the Comparison
Help them hold both versions in mind and compare them. Ask questions that drive insight, not defensiveness.
✅ “If you picture both versions side-by-side, which one feels more effective? What would need to shift in your prep to make that second version a reality?”
Why this works: This is the moment of insight. The brain’s prefrontal cortex is engaged in choosing a new path—the necessary step for behavior change.
- Co-Design a Path Forward
Don’t stop at insight. Help them identify one or two practical shifts they’ll make next time.
✅ “So next time, you’ll limit yourself to three points and use one story per point. How will you remind yourself to stick to that?”
Why this works: Insight alone isn’t enough. Action planning helps bridge the mental picture with new habits.
Bonus Tip: Avoid “Positive Thinking” Traps
Telling someone, “Just imagine yourself crushing it next time!” can feel good—but it’s not effective. Research shows that fantasy without contrast doesn’t activate the necessary brain regions. Mental contrasting requires visualizing the present reality alongside the better future.